I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
