My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and you said cock pushups were impossible
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
