By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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