i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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