She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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