i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
