it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
