dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
