Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Welp...herpes.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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