i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
