He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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