i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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