He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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