i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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