When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
