A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Randomize
