And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
