Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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