The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
