Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
