then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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