Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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