So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
