You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
