I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
