I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
