guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize