Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
