I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
