did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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