I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
