I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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