so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
