The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
