Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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