he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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