I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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