I feel great
I just peed on a car
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
