Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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