i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
