my soul wont recognize me after tonight
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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