Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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