If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
