I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There's always time for handjobs
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
