Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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