this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
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