I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
