I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
