we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
