just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
