I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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