I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
