Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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