wrigley field is MILF paradise
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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