that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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